


Steve Rogers didn't sign up for this shit

by bellamarie



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bromance, Bucky has a vibranium arm tho, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Kid Fic, Not Canon Compliant, Sam and Bucky love each other, because I said so, deep deep deep deep deep down, kind of sorta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:11:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellamarie/pseuds/bellamarie
Summary: “I’m not touching that thing!”“That thing is a beautiful baby boy, you asswipe!”“The baby’s ass is what needs to be wiped.”_______If you’ve ever seen Ice Age you know exactly what the hell I’m talking aboutOrBucky, Sam, and Steve are three idiots who managed to find themselves responsible for a child without knowing the first thing about childcare.





	Steve Rogers didn't sign up for this shit

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched infinity war and I needed some cute shit to fill the hole in my heart.

If it weren’t for the serum Steve probably would’ve woken up sore and the bruising around his ribs from last night would still be evident. Instead he only had a slight ache in his left wrist, but it was a light numb that he could easily ignore, so he got up. He tossed on some sweats and grabbed the fitbit Tony bought him to help manage his lap time. As he was tying his shoes his mind wandered over to yesterdays mission.

Frankly, Steve was confused as fuck.

It was supposed to be a simple rescue and destroy. The hydra facility that showed up on SHIELD’s radar held parts of Loki’s scepter and was doing experimentation. Steve didn’t even question the fact that Fury had sent the _whole_ team- he just figured the ominous director didn’t want to risk any screw ups. The mission had been successful, but that didn't mean it was easy. The facility was swarming with Hydra goons, guns blazing at the slight noise of Stark's suit. It was a long night to say the least.

And now that Steve thought about it, how did Fury know Thor was going to be here in time for the extraction? Steve tried not to let his mind double guess Fury. After the fall of SHIELD he knew he had to trust the one-eyed Director, he just doesn’t like being in the dark.

He shook it off, making his way down to the communal kitchen. Clint was slouched over his coffee at the counter, his eyes barely open as he favored his left torso. Natasha was sipping her tea and Bucky was leaning across from her, The New York Times open in front of him. Steve took a moment to take in their conditions. Natasha and Bucky’s serums -although watered down versions of his- turned their ugly yellow bruises into slight purple blemishes. Clint took a bad shot yesterday, and it was a good thing Helen Cho had been on the quinjet otherwise he would be on bed rest right now. Natasha and Bucky were mid conversation when Steve walked in.

Steve questions the tension in their shoulders. “Everything alright?”

“Fury isn’t telling us something.” Natasha rolled her eyes at Bucky’s bluntness. She knew Fury better than all of them combined, not that that said much. Something else was bothering her but Steve knew better than to press her. He simply raised his brows at Bucky, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl.

“Fury always isn’t telling us something.” Steve took a bite of his apple.

Bucky ran a hand over his face, “yeah, but this time he _really_ isn’t telling us something and it’s pissing me off.”

Clint sat up, only wincing slightly, “I’ve worked with Nick a hell of a lot longer than any of you chumps. The only thing that matters anymore is that we come out of these things alive.”

Natasha, obviously done with mission talk, took in Steve’s wear. “We were gonna Spar down in the gym, Steve, you in?”

Steve shook his head, “Sam and I are gonna run a few laps out. You wanna come Buck?”

“Nah, ‘m gonna go a few rounds with Clint and Tasha.”

Clint winks at Steve as he got up, setting his empty cup into the sink. “There’s always room for one more, Cap.”

Steve smiled at him. "I think I'll pass. I can't fight the crippled." 

Clint waved him off, no longer clutching his torso in pain to feign strength. Natasha looked at Steve up and down.

“Are you heading back to your place tonight?” She asks.

Steve nods. “Yeah, Sokovia was rough. Could use some down time.”

“In other words, he’s gonna binge watch Game of Thrones to try and get your references.” Natasha moves to smack Bucky but he catches her wrist, kissing the palm of her hand. She smiles softly but not before managing a small pinch for his outburst.

Steve threw the apple core into the trash, quickly running his hands under the faucet. Nat frowned at him. “Sam left a half hour ago. Better catch up.”

Steve sends her cocky smile as he’s walking out, “I don’t think I’ll have any trouble with that.”

 

~~~~

 

“A whole 30 minutes and your ass still beats me by 12 minutes."

"Yeah I know, I've been really off my game lately."

"You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Maybe I should try out your method of catching my breath every 6 minutes."

"You know what, Rogers?"

The two were so caught up in their banter they didn’t notice the dark blue and red baby carrier at the stoop of Avengers Tower. Well, more like in the lobby. Placed so perfectly in the center of the lobby actually that Steve is left questioning Stark’s security. Their laughter dies down and the smiles wiped off their faces at the sight of the carrier. There was a white blanket thrown over the handle, covering the coos of whoever was inside.

Steve and Sam looked at each other. Steve walked towards the carrier with caution as Sam took in their surroundings. There was nothing out of place- the tinted windows weren’t scratched, and the lively streets of Manhattan moved on as always. Sam looked down at the key card in his hand and up at the security gate. Whoever left this carrier here had obvious access. Sam turned around at the sound of Steve cursing.

Sam walked back over the now squatting Captain. Steve had lifted the blanket, revealing a smiling baby boy. The small infant had auburn hair that curled at the ends. He was wearing dark green onsie, a stuffed spider clutched between his tiny hands. The baby’s big, round hazel eyes starred up at two, stranger anxiety being nowhere as the infant smiled up at the two avengers.

Steve noticed a blank white envelope sticking out the side of the car seat. He opened it, Sam peering over his shoulder. The note, scrawled and slanted, was short and simple.  _Obviously in a hurry_ , Steve thought to himself.

 

_I’m sorry to be leaving Peter here but we have no other choice. We trust you, the Avengers, to reunite our son with Ben and May Parker. We don’t have enough time. His name is Peter, and his birthday is August 9, 2017. He loves animal crackers and is allergic to strawberrys. He has to sleep with his spider or else he’ll be up all-night crying. He falls asleep faster when you sing him twinkle twinkle little star. Please don’t let anyone but Ben and May Parker take him._

 

They read the letter over at least a dozen times, Steve turning it over to see if that was it. They looked at _Peter_ , who’s smile returned when he saw the two men. If Steve thought he was confused earlier, this was the cherry on top. This would be happening to him. He just finished finished season 1 of Game of Thrones and finally caught up on pop culture music. Things were getting too content in his life for it to be true. He folded the note, shoving it into his pocket.

Sam breaks the silence that fell over the two. “This letter isn’t addressed to me right? I mean, I’m new, so I don’t really count, right?”

Steve sends Sam a look. Sam sighs, bringing the water bottle to his lips. “Right, my problem now too.”

 

~~~~

 

Bucky, Natasha, and Thor we’re relaxing in the common room when Steve and Sam had stepped out of the elevator. Bucky was laid out across on one couch, eyes closed, and head tossed back with a cold compress on his right shoulder. Natasha was on the opposite couch with a rag thrown over her eyes, Thor sitting up with Nat’s feet in his lap as he gave her a foot massage. Neither of the ex-soviet assassin’s budge from the sound of the elevator doors. Thor looks up and over his shoulder, a smile broad on his face. “Friends! Yesterday was quite the batt- why are you carrying a basket, Steve?”

Nat lifted the corner of the rag, merely glancing over at the car seat Steve was carrying in his left hand. “That’s a baby car seat, Thor.”

Bucky’s head shoots him, the ache in his shoulder the last thing on his mind. His eyes flicker over between Steve and Sam, eventually staring at the car seat. “Please tell me you just wanted a fucking baby carrier and there isn’t actually a child in that thing.”

Steve lifts the white blanket over, revealing an oddly quiet Peter.

“We named him Sam.” Sam said proudly.

Steve rolls his eyes and talks as he walks to the center of the common room, placing the car seat onto the coffee table between the two couches. All eyes are focused on the now smiling Peter, who clearly loves the attention. “His name is Peter. Says so in the no-“Bucky snatches the note out of Steve’s hands as he was barely unfolding it from his pocket. Natasha and Thor have turned the car seat to face them, the two most threatening avengers leaning over the car seat making silly faces at Peter. Nat tickles his feet, eliciting a squeal from the small child.

Bucky looks up from the letter, confusion written on his features. “So what? You actually believe this shit?”

Steve frowns at his best friend. “He’s a baby, Buck. We couldn’t just leave him down there.”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “Down _where_.”

“He was chilling in the middle of the lobby. Whoever left him there had access. Either that, or Stark needs to rerun through some serious security protocols.” Sam says, flopping himself onto the couch.

“He was in the goddamn building?!” Bucky shrieked.

Natasha finally tears her attention away from the cute bundle, taking the note from Bucky’s hand. She quickly scans it over to catch a gist of what the fuck was going on. She pipes up before Bucky can start on his responsibility lecture, “We’re gonna track down these Parkers and give them the baby, right?” She was looking at Steve now.

Steve shrugs idly. “I mean, we have to, don’t we?”

Sam folds his arms across his chest. “What bugs me is why didn’t they just drop the kid off at the fire station. That’s a thing, isn’t it?”

“Only for him to spend a few years in the system while they don’t even try to find these Parkers?” Natasha questions. “If anything, these people were smart. They knew we wouldn’t just leave the kid off to some strangers.”

Everyone takes in Nat’s words, well, except Thor- who has been preoccupied with making Peter smile the whole time he doesn’t even sense the uneasy tension in the air. Whoever left Peter here clearly knew that Captain America wouldn’t just leave a baby. They intentionally left Peter there knowing that Steve would find him. This whole situation wasn’t settling well with Steve. But even he had to admit, that kid is a cutie pie.

Steve suddenly remembered whom Nat and Bucky were with this morning. “Where the hell is Clint?”

“He went to pick up _his_ baby.” Nat said.

Sam glares at her. “So Clint’s allowed to refer to Lucky as his baby but when I call Redwing my spawn y’all want to say it’s ridiculous?"

“Lucky is a living creature. Redwing is a machine.” Bucky says, tossing the ice pack he had at Sam. Sam catches it, sending Bucky a look.

“A machine that’s saved your ass a couple of times.”

Natasha stares down both of them, pausing their bitching. Thor finally pipes up, a wide grin on his face. “He’s so small and tiny! How old is young Peter?”

Natasha looks down at the note again, calculating in her mind. “11 months.”

It’s silent aside from the occasional giggle from Peter. Bucky finally breaks the silence.

“We have a debriefing in 20 minutes.”

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose.“Shit.”

 

~~~~

 

Nick Fury was getting too goddamn old for this shit.

He’s dealt with worse crap than this. He’s witnessed green creatures emerge from the sewers of LA with promises to take over the world. He’s fought hand to hand with enhanced individuals who swear they aren’t evil but just want to take over for their own safety. Then there was Budapest, where Nick is still finding gravel in his coat after all these years. Aliens have came out of the _sky for Christ sake._

So when the Captain walks into the debriefing room, casually placing a worn-out car seat onto the mahogany conference table, he doesn’t know why that put him on edge.

Maria is standing next to him, looking up from the file in her hands. Her brows furrowed as Nick’s face remained as stoic as ever. Clint and Bruce stare from their spots at the counter, the coffee pot between them long forgotten at the new edition in the room. Thor takes a seat in front of Peter, Bruce settling in next to him. Bucky sits on the other side of Thor as Nat takes the empty seat next to him. Clint walks over, peeking at Peter. Peter couldn’t care less about where he was, all he knew was that he was the center of attention and he loved it. Sam and Steve were standing beside Peter, Steve remaining stone faced as he and Fury starred one another down.

Nick threw the file he had in his hand down against the table. “Care to explain why there’s an infant in my conference room, Rogers? _”_

Tony walks in at that moment with Coulson at his side. “Actually Fury, it’s my conference room.” Tony pauses when he sees Peter, his gaze immediately flickering over to Steve. “Gotta say Rogers, I’m a little hurt I’m the last one to find out about your love child with frostbite over there.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “They found him outside of your tower, Stark.”

“They?” Maria asks.

“Steve and I.” Sam answers.

Natasha slides the note over to Fury. The room is silent as everyone waits for Nick to speak up. Tony merely glanced at Peter as he made his way over to the coffee pot. Fury directed his attention towards Steve and Sam. “So, you just picked him up?”

Bucky yells out “Thank you!” the same time as Steve says “Of course.” They both send each other a glare.

Clint made motion to grab at Peter’s carrier but Nat smacked his hand away. Fury walked over to their end of the table. Peter was gnawing at the stuffed spidey, his eyes widening at delight with the new stranger in front of him. Nick closed his eyes, taking a minute to gather his thoughts.

“This is what we’re gonna do. Natasha, you work with Coulson to try and track down those Parkers. The sooner we return the kid the sooner you all can focus. Thor, thank you for your assistance yesterday. It’s always a delight to have you. And as for you, Rogers, you and Wilson are in charged of watching the kid. Make sure he’s fed and shit like that.”

Bucky and Clint bursts into laughter as they start complaining.

Steve runs a hand through his hair. “Sir, I can’t watch a baby! I’m not even sure how this car seat works, I don’t even drive a car!”

Fury stares at him unfazed. “Exactly why Sam will be helping you out. Finders keepers.”

Bucky got up to grab some coffee, smacking Sam in the shoulder along the way and smirking, “Losers weepers.”

“You too, Barnes.”

At that Bucky dropped his hand from his shoulder and lost the smirk. Clint snorted but quickly turned it into a cough, not wanting to be stuck changing diapers like the rest of his team mates.

Natasha got up, smacking his shoulder in the same manner and said to Bucky, “Should’ve kept your mouth shut, Barnes.”

He snarled at her, Natasha’s smirk never lessening.

Fury continues, “Yesterday was just the beginning. Hydra is still out there and I want everyone to be ready any minute. With the tesseract hopefully we can manipulate the energy source enough to shut down Hydra’s latest experiments. Understood?”

After everyone nodded Fury walked out with Maria, the teams playful bickering following them out the room.

Maria crossed her arms. “Sir, why would you prioritize Natasha to find these Parkers? Even you know she could be better used for intel.”

Nick looked down at the folder in his hands, flipping to the back where a picture of Oscorp was standing tall and proud. “It’s no coincidence that baby showed up.”

**Author's Note:**

> So…what’d y’all think? Should I continue or act like this never happened?


End file.
